Quarreling in Marriage

The quarrelsome wife in Proverbs

Proverbs names the quarrelsome wife five times, always with a vivid picture:

What the pictures mean

• The dripping roof. A leak isn’t a disaster, but a steady drip wears you down and there’s no escaping it. Constant contention does the same to a home.
• The housetop and the desert. Flat roofs in ancient Israel were used for storage and sleeping in summer, but a corner up there was cramped and exposed to the weather. The sayings exaggerate on purpose: strife can make a home feel worse than having no home.
• Wind and oil. You can’t force someone to change. Trying to control a contentious person only frustrates you.

Reading them in context

Proverbs is largely a father teaching his son (Proverbs 1:8), so these sayings are mainly advice on choosing a wife wisely: character matters more than beauty or wealth. “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). “Houses and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD” (Proverbs 19:14), the verse right after the dripping roof.

These proverbs describe what living with strife feels like. They are not commands. They don’t tell a husband what to do about it, and they don’t permit him to leave the marriage, mistreat his wife, or repay her in kind.

It isn’t only about wives

Proverbs says just as much about quarrelsome men, and the New Testament treats contentiousness as a sin for everyone:

• “Like charcoal for embers and wood for fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife” (Proverbs 26:21).
• “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger calms dispute” (Proverbs 15:18).
• “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression” (Proverbs 29:22).
• “It is honorable for a man to resolve a dispute, but any fool will quarrel” (Proverbs 20:3).
• Church leaders must be “not violent but gentle, peaceable” (1 Timothy 3:3).
• “A servant of the Lord must not be quarrelsome, but must be kind to everyone… and forbearing” (2 Timothy 2:24).
• “Discord” and “rage” are listed among the works of the flesh (Galatians 5:20).

So the sin is contentiousness, whoever it’s in. A husband who reads the housetop verses about his wife should also read the charcoal verse about himself.

Where quarrels come from

James asks the question directly and gives a searching answer:

“What causes conflicts and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from the passions at war within you? You crave what you do not have…” (James 4:1–2)

Quarrels usually grow from unmet desires on both sides: wanting to be heard, respected, helped, appreciated, or in control. Scripture points to several roots:

• Pride. “Arrogance leads only to strife” (Proverbs 13:10).
• Hatred and bitterness. “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all transgressions” (Proverbs 10:12; Hebrews 12:15).
• Gossip and fuel. “Without wood, a fire goes out; without gossip, a conflict ceases” (Proverbs 26:20).
• Anxiety and burden. Note the word “fretful” in Proverbs 21:19. Worry, exhaustion and feeling alone with too much often come out as irritation. Martha’s complaint about Mary came from being “worried and upset about many things” (Luke 10:40–41).
• Feeling unloved or unheard. Hannah’s sadness was misread by both her husband and the priest (1 Samuel 1:8, 13–14). Underneath the noise there is often a real need.

The positive picture

Scripture doesn’t only warn; it shows the alternative:

• “Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands” (Proverbs 14:1).
• “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue” (Proverbs 31:26). “The heart of her husband trusts in her” (31:11).
• “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment… but from the inner disposition of your heart, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:3–4). “Quiet” here means a settled, peaceful spirit, not silence.
• Abigail calmed a furious David with humility and wise words, and prevented bloodshed (1 Samuel 25:23–33).

And for both spouses: “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up… and bringing grace to those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).

What Scripture tells the husband

The New Testament never tells a husband to fix his wife. It tells him how to love her:

How to answer a quarrel

Whichever spouse starts it, it takes two to keep a quarrel going. Proverbs and the New Testament give very practical wisdom:

1. Answer softly. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
2. Listen first. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (James 1:19). “He who answers a matter before he hears it—this is folly and disgrace to him” (Proverbs 18:13).
3. Stop early. “To start a quarrel is to release a flood; so abandon the dispute before it breaks out” (Proverbs 17:14).
4. Don’t add fuel. “Without wood, a fire goes out” (Proverbs 26:20). You don’t have to win every point.
5. Overlook what you can. “A man’s insight gives him patience, and his virtue is to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). “Love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
6. Check yourself first. “First take the beam out of your own eye” (Matthew 7:3–5). Admit your share before addressing hers.
7. Don’t repay in kind. “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).
8. Settle it the same day. “Do not let the sun set upon your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26–27).
9. Forgive. “Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31–32).
10. Do your part. “If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). You can’t control your spouse, only your own response.
11. Pray, for her and with her. Bring the conflict to God together where you can. “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matthew 5:9).

When it doesn’t change quickly

The housetop proverbs are honest that some situations are painful and slow to change, like trying to hold oil in your hand. Scripture still points the way:

• Patience and quiet example. Peter tells wives that a disobedient husband “will be won over without words” by a respectful, pure life (1 Peter 3:1–2). The same principle works in both directions: conduct speaks louder than arguments.
• Commitment remains. Paul urges believers to stay with a difficult spouse where possible, because your faithfulness may be the means God uses (1 Corinthians 7:12–16).
• Guard your heart from bitterness (Hebrews 12:15). Bitterness turns the one hurt into a second quarreler.
• Seek wise help. “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22). A pastor or Christian marriage counselor can help a couple hear each other.

Summary

• Proverbs uses vivid images, a dripping roof, a housetop, a desert, to show how constant contention wears down a home.
• These sayings mainly counsel wisdom in choosing a spouse. They describe strife; they don’t permit retaliation or leaving.
• Contentiousness is condemned in men just as much as in women.
• Quarrels grow from desires at war within us, and often from unmet needs on both sides.
• Husbands are told to love sacrificially, not be harsh, and live with their wives with understanding.
• Soft answers, listening, overlooking offenses, forgiving and praying are how the fire goes out.

“Above all, love one another deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)